I’ve been revisiting a lot of old writings – this was posted to Facebook May 13, 2021, the day before Sunny was born. It’s not new content, so if you follow me there, you would have already read it. It’s wild to think that this was five years ago. But it’s fun to reread what I was feeling less than 24 hours before I got to meet her!

Tomorrow morning, Mack and I will become Sunny Wren’s parents for a lifetime. These past 3 weeks have been an unbelievable roller coaster, filled with highs and lows, and the growth that only extreme shock can bring. Hands in the air, feeling around in the dark for some level of control and upon finding none, embracing the confusion and being ok on this ride. And here we are, 8 weeks short of her due date, spending the night together in the hospital and preparing ourselves for my c-section which will take place at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

I was diagnosed with severe gestational hypertension nearly 3 weeks ago, and aside from 2 brief(unsuccessful) nights at home, have spend the last 16 days in the hospital. This 10×12 room has become my home base, and I have not walked more than 20 feet during that time. Full bedrest is really not recommended or often used anymore, but it’s been what I’ve been on, in order to keep my blood pressures out of the “stroke and heart failure zone”. These measures, including fetal monitoring, constant BP and blood 02 checks, nearly daily blood tests, ultrasounds, and maximum doses of 2 medications (14 pills per day and a few emergency IV meds), have kept Sunny growing and healthy for another 16 days and helped her reach the 32 week milestone, after which point long-term impacts of prematurity are less likely.

Our doctor’s decision to move to delivery came suddenly. We knew that it could either happen any day, or that my pressures might stabilize enough to go for another few weeks. 37 weeks would have been the gold standard, when she would be considered full term. Gestational hypertension and preeclampsia are on a spectrum, with their causes and relationships not fully understood. At any point, they expected that I might develop symptoms of preeclampsia, which could lead quickly to organ damage and serious danger for baby. The last few days, my already-maxed out meds did not seem to be controlling my BPs as well, and I continued to hover above or around the danger zone. (160/105 seems to be where my body wants to stay). Recent ultrasounds showed that my amniotic fluid may possibly be decreasing in volume, which could indicate declining placental function and distress for baby. The way we’ve understood it, they have been looking for the right moment where it’s dangerous enough for me and baby to keep going, and safe enough that she would be expected to do well on the outside, before any further decline. As one nurse explained it, my body is like an oven baking a cake, which is trying to speed things along and running just too hot. The medical staff would be waiting for the exact right moment to get that cake out and done as perfectly as possible, even though it would be different for other women. Turns out, that time is now.

So here we are. The song “peaceful, easy feeling” speaks to me right now. I am humbled by all we have gotten to feel, see, and learn together during this experience. There are lots of feelings and emotions underneath – I am mostly afraid for her, and how this might impact her. I am a bit nervous about surgery, though not much. I am sad to miss the last 2 months of pregnancy, the birth experience we had planned, and the complete disconnection from how we thought this was going to go. I am concerned for the future – does this mean we should not try again down the road, and will it have long term health impacts for me? Are we really ready to be parents so soon? But much more prominently, I am overwhelmed and in awe of how lucky we have been. Our families have blown the fucking lid off of “being there for us”. Nothing could make me more fortunate. Friends have come out of the woodwork in support. Hospital staff has been a joy to get to know. Mack has been not only a steady support, but as always, my true travel partner on this adventure.

Right now, tonight, I can only feel calm. I knew that pregnancy would be a trip – I just couldn’t imagine how vivid it would be. And we are JUST beginning. What a very strange feeling to know how much our lives will change in the next 12 hours. I am sure we have a long road ahead, with maybe weeks or even months in the NICU. I will not pretend to have any idea how this is going to go.

We SO appreciate all the love, support, thoughts, and prayers from all of you. I’m not sure how much we will update in the next few days, since I’m sure our roller coaster ride has not ended.

In the meantime, enjoy this playlist we will be playing during surgery tomorrow. We’re still working on the order, but it’s some songs we would like to welcome her into the world with. (And Dolly’s 9 to 5 just to loosen the mood and get the medical staff pumped and laughing in the morning, haha…) Enjoy!!

Updated May 13, 2021 9:49:10 pm