In my last post, Why Are We Here, I mentioned my revelation that as things calm down for me post-divorce and ten thousand other life changes, I begin to realize that I may not even know what “the dust has settled” looks like. In the chaos of the last 10 years, I may have grown accustomed to living in the tornado. The emotional turmoil of deaths, moves, births, marriage, divorce, career changes, relationship changes, and external world chaos have become normalized for me. I’ve may have gone from “event” to “event” without letting the dust settle, and in doing so, might have neglected many parts of myself.

Luckily, I have spent a good part of my adult life writing and documenting. I have always followed a drive for adventure, saying yes to opportunities and (to a weird extent) relishing new and sometimes uncomfortable experiences. To share news of the adventures with friends and family, I’ve had various blogs, journals, social media profiles, photo accounts, etc where I’ve documented much of my life. I’ve come to realize that these things are an asset – a gift from my prior self to my current self.

Though some of it is cringeworthy, I am currently focusing on the desire to revisit all of it. It’s all part of my story, right? It’s so tempting to think of ourselves as just the current version. I’m 37; I’m a divorcee; I’m a mother; I’m whatever-this-current-version-of-my-career-is; I’m sad a lot; I’m optimistic about the future… etc. But wouldn’t it be much healthier if I could hold all of the versions of myself with love and compassion, and let their complexities intermingle into something far more beautiful and real? To stop tunnel-visioning myself with whatever I see in front of me, and start recognizing that I am a goddamn infinite being that’s here for who-the-hell knows why, getting to experience all of the joys, sorrows, laughter and lessons that life on this planet has to offer?

Other reasons I will “process” by revisiting past writings include:

1. It rebuilds landmarks in my brain: By reading my first-hand accounts of moments while I was in them, I can start to get a relative feel for which moments were seminal, in which ways they have defined me, and in which was I may still be hanging on to unprocessed parts of them. I picture my brain (and its relationship to my past) as a foggy landscape. My hope is that by revisiting each moment, the landmarks will become more defined, and I will be able to navigate more of it with ease.
2. It allows me to revisit departed loved ones and relationships: In the last 10 years I have lost both parents, all four grandparents, and had more than a few broken hearts. I have also had friendships fade out of my life for reasons I don’t quite remember. It makes the past so much more vivid to be re-reading words I wrote when they were alive. It’s not that I need to dwell there forever, but it’s nice to have places to visit.
3. It honors the woman I once was and remind me of parts of myself I have long forgotten: Oh wow, sometimes reading old stuff really reminds you that you’re not just the “you” from today. At different times in my life I was wildly adventurous, fervent for knowledge, not terribly cautious or calculated, extremely outgoing, and sometimes irresponsible. Among many other qualities, these things have tempered over the years. Though balance is great, it’s fun to revisit the raw and unfiltered me.
4. It’s healthier than scrolling: Like many people on the planet, I’ve found myself absolutely horrified to see my “screen time” hours creep up to the equivalent of a part time job, and with activities that do not serve me. I’ve spent hours of my life doomscrolling and searching endlessly for cheap land/cute houses/trendy lifestyles or any other number of things that just lead to comparing myself to others and creating an endless cycle of dissatisfaction. I’ve worked really hard in the past year or so to disentangle myself from as many of these negative habits as possible. But as my wonderful friend Gwen passed onto me from her mom, “when you feel the need to consume, create!” It feels like really sound advice, and an antidote to many of the things that keep us addicted to consuming online content. (Screw you, internet overlords! Kinda, lol).
5. It may help me find myself: Well yes, let’s all cringe together, now. But it’s true. I know of at least one life change that makes one forget who the heck they are and what the heck they are doing (parenthood!). Combine that with the confusion of divorce (oh, everything I thought I knew was off track and where I was headed is no longer where I am headed?) Back to the drawing board! And even without these major changes, we grow, we mature, we change. It’s a good time to re-evaluate the big questions before moving too far forward. And because I’m a major external processor, I’ll be thinking those things “aloud” through my writing.

So let this blog be my charcuterie tray where I can gather, pick up and examine, and SMASH together all of the salamis, cheeses, honeys, and crackers of my past and hopefully combine them into something beautiful.